I have always compared myself to people around me, many I didn't even know. Looking in magazines, now all over social media but even on vacations when I was supposed to be enjoying my happy place and family, I was instead low key acting like a guy checking out the women all around me. And holy moly, that would send me into a dark place full of disappointment, feelings of failure and just not feeling like I was good enough.

Where in the heck did these thoughts and feelings and behaviors come from? One side of me would scream stop it…reminding me that I had competed and won titles in the pageant world for years. That I had already found my partner in life and he loves me unconditionally. But the other side of me would scream louder and that's when I would go into full blown diet mode. Working out became punishment for what I ate the day before…

I found myself spinning out of control in the vicious diet cycle of restrict - binge - guilt - binge - restrict - binge… I said (can't) way more than anyone ever should! I watched every calorie I took in, counted points, took pill after pill, drank every magic drink, skipped meals, weighed myself daily (only to be often disappointed and end up in that cycle again). It was all about seeing a certain number and just losing that last bit of weight (year after year) because I knew then that I would be so (happy) and feel great about myself.

I got to a place where I can say I was in the best shape of my life, when I was busting my bootie for the last pageant title I was going for. But at the time I only defined what the “best shape of my life” was by the number I saw on the scale. It was a number I had not seen since high school but I was so far from my highschool years. I had 2 kids and lived life, so just imagine how I got to that number.

Perhaps if we work together at some point I will share more about that but let's just say for now, I have never gone so many days without eating a thing!

I didn’t win that national title and I was devastated. I had lost that weight that I so desperately wanted to lose and I didn't feel any better about myself. To keep this story as short as possible, I will just say that loss sent me back into the vicious diet cycle harder than I had ever been before, only this time I stayed in binge mode for so long and I kicked it off that night by eating butter balls.

Let's fast forward a bit shall we. After deciding to close the chapters of my life that I spent in the pageant world (not because I lost btw) and finally healing from “losing”, I also decided it was time to answer that lingering question, where did all of these toxic thoughts and feelings I held for myself for a lifetime come from?

I learned that the way I felt about myself started to be ingrained in me from a very young age. The roots of diet culture, and the influences of life all around (people, media, etc) had been growing and taking over my mind, body and heart forever. 

Peeling back the layers, it was evident that things like growing up in a house where you had to eat everything on your plate (or have it for breakfast), and learning what was best for your body was done by looking at what everyone else was doing around you and trying to be and look more like the girls on magazines and tv. I also started to uncover just how much my lack of body acceptance was affecting the way I showed up in every role I play in life. 

I don't blame anyone or anything for the years past, but I am so grateful that I've taken back the control and have allowed myself to Redefine healthy for me. There is so much discover that comes with this kind of exploration and I believe every woman should allow themselves to experience it. 

The honest truth is, happiness and health flows from the inside out, and when you find that balance between self-love and the scales or what it means to live your healthiest without giving up living life, a few things happen.  Your physical results come without extra effort, you find a freedom that just can't be explained, it has to be felt, and you unbury that inner diva that is in all of us where you can finally give your best to everything in life including yourself!